herding cats

by on Feb 18, 2013 (Comments Off on herding cats) Comments

Sometimes getting more than two people moving in the same direction at the same time can be like herding cats.  Just about the time you think you have everything under control, one of the little buggers will break rank, sending everyone in different directions.  I spent over 25 years as the official “Cat Herder” of the Allen family.  Every family has one.  They are identified by the shrill voice commanding everyone in the house to

“Go make potty before we leave”

“This is the 5-minute warning before we leave”

“Get in the car”

They are also identified by the fact that they are the first person accosted at each and every family gathering with the question, “Where have you been?”

Life has moved on for me.  Since I am no longer the keeper of little kids, I no longer should be in charge of asking who needs to use the bathroom before we leave; my days of standing by the back door bellowing into the house “we’re leaving” should be long gone.  I should be at a phase in my life where when getting ready to leave the house all I should have to do is make sure I am satisfied in the potty department, determine if I need a wrap, find my purse and phone and then calmly, quietly, with no drama, slip comfortably into the front seat of the car in plenty of time to reach my destination on time.  At this stage of my life, I should have retired my official “Cat Herder” badge.

But life is not always so thoughtful.  I am now the guardian of two octogenarians, one with Alzheimer’s and the other with a hearing aid. Before any outing, I always make sure that the one that doesn’t know he’s going anywhere runs to the little boy’s room.  I have learned over the past 3 years that my mother-in-law needs a 10-minute warning, not a 5-minute warning because she will start “putting on her face ” and changing the battery in her hearing aid right when I start bellowing that it’s time to get in the car.

This last weekend we celebrated Mom and David’s birthdays.  For several days I did the “Cat Herder” dance, making phone calls and sending out text messages attempting to corral my little kittens into one restaurant at one time.  During one phone conversation with my brother, he said to me, “Is it 5:00 real time or is that Allen time?”  I assured Wayne we would be on time.  When it came time to get ready to leave, I put out the 10-minute warning and sent Paul off to the washroom.  Things were running like clockwork.  Then it ground to a halt.  My in-laws did not come out of their room forever.  David politely knocked on the door and told them we needed to get going.  Mom said she was putting on her face.  We waited and tick tock, tick tock, my dream of arriving on time evaporated into the nightmare of me standing by the back door, as usual, bellowing into the house “Get in the car, we are leaving right now.”  As I walked into the restaurant and saw the whole family sitting there waiting for us looking at me with their “I knew you would be late looks” I realized; I am still the official Allen family “Cat Herder.”

A fish with an attitude

by on Feb 06, 2013 (4) Comments

My son has a goldfish and if you’ve read previous blogs here you know that I went from totally disliking this little fish to actually doing some training with her. She is trained to push a little fish-sized basketball into a hoop. Ok, I know what you’re thinking…. Actually you could be thinking a couple of things: first, you could be thinking I’m crazy or second, that I’m a liar. I can only promise that I’m not lying. If you think training a goldfish is absurd (I actually can’t argue with you there) you can see lots of videos on YouTube. In fact, a friend of mine gave me a goldfish training kit for Christmas. So there you have it… I am a closet goldfish trainer.

My goldfish training ability (or inability) isn’t even the real subject of the blog. What I wanted to write about was that Jack’s goldfish has developed an attitude. I don’t know whether goldfish can even have attitudes but based on this fish’s behavior lately I’d have to say yes.

Goldie the goldfish (my son isn’t original when it comes to names) has gotten so used to my daily schedule of working with her. The problem is that about a week ago I ended up working on an article deadline and didn’t have time to do our regular training session. I was sitting in my office when I heard a loud tapping sound. I was alone in the house. I got up to investigate and discovered the noise was coming from Jack’s room. I peeked inside the door and found the source of the noise. Goldie was spitting gravel up at the side of the tank. Was she bored? Is this normal fish behavior? Was it playtime? Was she just searching for food? Or, was she trying to get my attention to remind me that I was falling down on the job? Based on the fact that she has routinely engaged in this behavior whenever I miss a day of training, I tend to think the fish is not happy with me.

Tomorrow I will be right on time for our session.

Clearly, I need a life.

 

If you’d like to read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Can we get a shot with that?

by on Jan 25, 2013 (Comments Off on Can we get a shot with that?) Comments

Ok, so June Cleaver, I’m not.  As a mom, I am generally pretty no-nonsense so my kids grew up hearing things like “If there’s no blood, I don’t want to hear any crying” and “If you throw up when we’re getting in the car, then you can stay home from school.”  One of my most infamous lines was, “If I’m taking you to the doctor, I’m going to make sure they give you a shot for something.”

Since my kids have been out of my house for a couple of years, silly me thought that my days of sitting in the doctor’s office with a puny human had come to an end, but I was so wrong.  On Saturday morning, David woke me up to let me know that Mom was throwing up and itching all over.  I was about to ask him if he saw the alleged “throw up” but then I gained enough consciousness to realize we were talking about his 80 year old mother not one of our children trying to ditch school.  So off to the walk-in clinic we went.

Three hours later we were finally in a room with the doctor discussing the fact that there is no way to know exactly what was creating this bout of distress for my mother-in-law.  The doctor gave her two prescriptions and was happy to send her on her way, until I jokingly blurted out “Don’t you think she needs a shot for something?”  Through my laughter at the pained expression on my mother-in-law’s face, I explained to the amused doctor that if I had to sit in the waiting room with my kids, I always made sure they got a shot for something to make it worth my while.  The doctor laughed then called his nurse in to give my mother-in-law a shot of steroids to help with the itching.  He said he didn’t want my streak to be broken.  As the nurse was preparing her shot, another old adage came bubbling to the top, “If you don’t cry when you get your shot Mother, I’ll take you to McDonalds for lunch.”

 

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

The Bra

by on Jan 23, 2013 (7) Comments

Gracie was so excited when she moved up to the 4th grade. At the beginning of the school year I heard nothing but proclamations about how she was entering into the “pre-teen” years (she’s 10) and was no longer a child. I was instructed to acknowledge and appreciate her new maturity.

With that maturity came a “pre-teen” (and just when is one officially a “pre-teen” anyway?) rite of passage: It was time to shop for the first bra. Gracie was so excited about her journey on the path toward being a woman.

The two of us ventured out to the store, loaded up with all kinds of bras and headed into the fitting room. The day was wonderful and my daughter was delighted with her bra choices.

Three days later reality set in. Wearing a bra isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s not terribly comfortable, it can be itchy and you have to pay attention to what color bra you’ve chosen to wear under a particular shirt. Gracie quickly learned that a purple bra isn’t the best choice under a pastel pink shirt. She also doesn’t like bra straps. Just wait until she actually has something to fill up those bra cups and realizes just how uncomfortable a bra can get.

So we are in the “bra negotiation” stage at our house. Gracie feels that if she wears a bra on schooldays she shouldn’t have to wear one on the weekend. I informed her that there are no bra holidays once you reach the age where you actually need to wear one. If you aren’t in the bath tub, a swimsuit or pajamas you need to wear a bra.

For Gracie, being a pre-teen has lost some of its magic.

 

 

To read more from the Two Loons, check out the book Cookies for Dinner.

 

Be careful what you wish for

by on Jan 17, 2013 (Comments Off on Be careful what you wish for) Comments

Before I married David, I had no idea who or what Notre Dame was other than an awesome cathedral in Paris.  Now, almost 30 years later, Notre Dame (the university) has become the bane of my existence from the beginning of football season to the day of the National Championship Game.  This year, as in every year for the past 29 years, David made the proclamation, “This is the year Notre Dame drives to the National Championship!”  This year, as in every year for the past 29 years, I uttered the requisite “that’s nice dear,” gave him a metaphorical pat on the head and wished with all my heart that this would be the year that he was right.

On a glorious Saturday, Notre Dame dominated against Wake Forest.  There was cheering and shouting galore at the Allen house.  Thanks to Scott Bennett, we were alerted to the Baylor game.  The next several hours were spent flipping back and forth between the Baylor-Kansas State game and the Sanford-Oregon game.  Baylor completely destroyed Kansas State and Sanford squeaked out an overtime win against Oregon.  And just like that, my wish came true—Notre Dame has gone 11 games undefeated and thanks to the Kansas State and Oregon losses is now ranked Number 1 in the polls!

The final game of the season brought to the Allen house a sense of excitement and foreboding that no one has felt since the children figured out that they would get Christmas gifts even if they were sassy during the year.  Matt and Kathleen scooped up food from Toot’s (now a tradition that cannot be broken as long as Notre Dame is winning.  This is way better than the campaign launched one year not to change their underwear).  We all huddled excitedly in our family room and watched as Notre Dame marched to victory against USC.  David’s dream has come true!!!  Notre Dame was to be in the National Championship game on January 7th, 2013.

For forty days our house was filled with animated talk of Notre Dame football.  Dave and Matt planned game strategy while Mom and I planned menu ideas for the big game.  Finally, the big day was upon us.  David and Matt watched two hours of recorded Notre Dame highlights before the game.  Toot’s was procured and dinner served before the game started.  And that’s where the dream ended.  Alabama handed ND the loss on a silver platter.  David was deflated.  He summed up his feelings the best he could.  “I feel like a little kid that was hoping for a pony for Christmas only to wake up on Christmas day to find out we are Jewish.”

No matter what, ND gave our house a great football season this year.  Here’s wishing for a great season next year too—hopefully with a better ending.

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Cookies for Dinner

 

What did mom put in the meatballs?

by on Jan 14, 2013 (6) Comments

Since last August our family has made major changes in our diets. I had, for the last six months been trying to slowly transition my family toward organic foods and healthier eating. In August, it was time to totally cut the processed food cord and dive off the cliff. This change has been met with mixed results.

The positives: everyone in the family who needed to drop some pounds successfully did so. Everyone feels better and my kids have even learned to make healthier food choices when they’re not at home. All family members have found lots of foods they enjoy and have rejoiced in the fact that yes, we can still have pizza and that organic pizza actually tastes great. For my children, going organic created a terrifying fear of no more pizza, cookies, chips or chicken tenders. They were shocked to learn that organic eating didn’t require them to forage in the backyard for twigs and leaves.

The negatives: I actually have to spend more time in the kitchen cooking. My microwave is no longer my best friend. I also have to stretch the truth when asked what ingredients are in particular recipes. If Jack and Gracie even think I’m trying to disguise bad-tasting vegetables, grains or (gasp!) flax seed into their meatballs, they dissect the food on their plate until they’re convinced everything is truly edible.

The bottom line: My food bill has gone up by one-third, I feel like a novice again in the kitchen, I’ve gotten to know vegetables I had never heard of before and I’m getting really good at keeping a straight face when I fib to the kids about what they’re eating.

Bon appetit!

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Cookies for Dinner

2012 what a whirlwind

by on Jan 10, 2013 (Comments Off on 2012 what a whirlwind) Comments

It’s always fun at the end of a year to look back and see what the last year was like and then look forward to see what our hopes and dreams are for the next year.  2012 was a whirlwind of a year for the Allen family.

January found David and I on Easter Island soaking up the Rapa Nui culture and exploring the stone carvings known as Moai.  Easter Island was David’s number one “bucket list” destination.  We had a wonderful time attempting to catch a moai at sunset, traversing muddy slippery dirt roads, dodging wild horses but most of all, just walking hand in hand enjoying the amazing sights and sounds of this unique island.

The summer found us on the highway.  We traversed from Florida to a pit stop in Murfreesboro, then back on the road to Chicago.  We sold Paul and Jackie’s home of 40 years in Illinois.  Team Allen (and Giovanine) descended on the house like a flock of crows, picking and plucking until all the family treasures were secure in boxes headed to various destinations, the non-essential debris of life left in a pile for the estate sellers to deal with.  It was a time packed with excitement, sadness, relief and worry.  We all knew that eventually the house would have to be sold but it closed the door on a chapter of life we will all miss greatly.

Summer found us back in Florida finally with the last box unpacked, relaxing in the afterglow of a job well done.  David and I had toasted at one of our first dinners out “To 2013, it has to be a calmer year.”  No more than the words were out of our mouths’; we got “The Call”.  The first came from Kenny—He and Christi will be getting married in October 2013!  The second came from Chambliss—He and Jess will be getting married in April 2013!

August found us back in Chicago.  Luckily, there were no packing boxes involved in this trip.  My nephew, Nate was getting married to Roxanne.  The whole family converged for the wedding.  It was a fantastic time of family and celebration.  We are delighted to have Roxann join our crazy little family!

Fall was somewhat quiet in the Allen house if you don’t count major renovation to one of the rooms in your house as chaotic.  Both girls have picked locations for their weddings, dresses have been chosen, now it’s down to the little stuff of invitations, flowers and menus.  Luckily for me, Jessica is a certified wedding planner, so I figure my only involvement will be to talk the two little birds off the ledge when something they fear is going wrong (oh, yeah, and to cut the check).

Thanksgiving was a wonderful time.  We had our entire family home and sitting around our dining table in our newly remodeled dining room.  The days leading up to the holiday were packed with tension as Scott Bennett hurried to get the room in dining order before the big event.

Christmas was celebrated at our house again this year.  I feel truly blessed that we still have Paul with us.  I sat and watched as my grown children delighted in the giving of gifts to the rest of us instead of worrying about what they were given.  Jess shocked her Daddy by finding an old sales article for a submarine from “Boy’s Life” magazine and building him his very own USS Dave Allen from cardboard.

As the year comes to a close, I realize that I am so lucky.  I have a wonderful husband, terrific children, and a wonderful family.  Unfortunately as I look ahead, I realize that if I thought 2012 was a whirlwind, I can only assume that 2013 will be a tornado!

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Cookies for Dinner

Gracie faces her fear

by on Jan 08, 2013 (6) Comments

On New Year’s Eve, I had to do something I had been dreading for months. My daughter needed to go to the hospital for a series of blood tests to address a potential medical issue. Gracie, being a perfectly normal child, hates needles and needs to be coaxed, bribed, threatened and tricked into getting her flu shot every year so imagine her level of terror when she learned the needle would be stuck in her arm for more than a mere nano second.

Several nights before the event, Gracie repeatedly questioned me about the procedure. How much would it hurt? How much blood would they need? Would it be ok for her to cry? Would I hold her hand through the whole process? What kind of reward would she get?

My responses:

  • It won’t hurt as much as it will “pinch” (this is classic mom-speak for skirting around the needle truth)
  • They won’t need much blood (note to self: make sure your child DOESN’T ever see the vial)
  • Yes, crying is acceptable (screaming, however, is forbidden)
  • Yes, I’ll hold hands for as long as it takes (although my 10-year-old has quite the death-grip)
  • Reward? Anything. (I got off cheap on this: breakfast at her favorite restaurant and two American Girl books. It could’ve been much worse)

Gracie was a trooper and even though she yelped a bit, she stayed perfectly still until the last vial (they needed THREE) was filled and the needle removed. She smiled and looked up at me through teary eyes and asked if she was brave. She was the bravest, I told her.

Before walking out of the room, the nurse handed me a plastic cup and informed me that she’d also need a urine sample from Gracie.

“Why do they need a European sample?” Asked Gracie, “I’m not European.”

“Urine sample,” I corrected.

“Does it involve needles?”

“No, just pee in this cup.”

Gracie snatched the cup out of my hands and marched proudly into the bathroom to provide her first European sample.

 

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Cookies for Dinner

strolling at sunset

by on Jan 04, 2013 (Comments Off on strolling at sunset) Comments

David, Jess and I drove down to Blue Mountain Beach to meet with the florist, cake decorator and wedding coordinator at the resort Jess and Chambliss have picked for the wedding.  On the ride down I think we were all a little nervous.  Chambliss’ mom, Vickie, had invited us to stay with her at her beach house.  This would be our first long-term encounter and I could almost hear Jess saying, “Don’t embarrass me!”

The meeting with the various vendors went wonderfully.  Jess whipped out her ipad and with a maturity and professionalism that brought a proud tear to my eye systematically addressed all the issues at hand.  She had specific likes and dislikes as far as the décor was concerned and even had a picture of the exact cake she wanted.  Ok, so she did go to college to be an event planner, she is a certified wedding planner and works as an event coordinator but I’ve changed her diaper and was just not expecting this grown-up woman to sit next to me and exude such grace and confidence.

Sitting on Vickie’s porch after our long day of decision making, I realized it would be sunset soon.  I gathered my husband and headed for the beach.  Yes, we do spend a lot of time in Florida so you would think Dave and I have strolled the beach at sunset dozens of time.  The truth of the matter is, we have watched the sunset dozens of times from the sidewalk across the street from the beach.  We’ve watched it dozens of times from the patio of a restaurant.  We’ve even had cocktails in a cabana overlooking the beach but very seldom has David agreed to walk on the beach with me.  He hates the sand and has a great aversion to taking his shoes and socks off, leaving his tender little feet at risk of stepping on something sharp and pointy.  But on this beautiful afternoon while I was ready to be content to watch the sunset from the beach access stairs, David actually took his shoes off, rolled up his pant legs, gently took my hand and strolled happily down the beach.  We watched the sun created a spectacular show of pinks, grays and oranges as it set.

I made a wish on that sunset.  I wished that my daughters, both of whom are getting married in 2013 have found a man as wonderful as David.

 

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Cookies for Dinner

calling Dick Tracy…

by on Dec 27, 2012 (Comments Off on calling Dick Tracy…) Comments

My mother is 91 and has Alzheimer’s. She lives in a little apartment that we built within our home. Her condition over the last several years has deteriorated at a slow and steady rate until the last couple of months. Her decline is now accelerated at a more rapid pace. Last week I had a personal alert system installed in her apartment so that she could call for help if she fell or needed help.

The device that she wears is one that fits on her wrist. It’s a simple band with a button in the center that she can push to send an alarm signal to the monitoring company. They will then come on the speaker that is installed in the apartment. It’s a great system and I can see where it provides tremendous peace of mind for the times when I’m not physically with her.

In theory this system is outstanding but even during her best days my mother was anti-technology. Toaster ovens totally baffled her. Microwave ovens? Terrifying. Her kitchen timer had to be the old-fashioned sand-filled egg timer because she could never get the hang of using the wind-up timer. A digital timer was out of the question. So when I was considering a personal alert system for her I had to choose one that seemed the most mom-friendly. A single button on a wristband looked like an ideal solution.

When explaining how the system worked to my mother, we tried to keep it as basic as possible. Push the button if you need help and the alarm company will talk to you from the speaker on the kitchen counter. No need to try to move from wherever you are – just speak. Mom was convinced that she had to speak into the button on the wristband. No amount of convincing changed her mind. Every day I remind her how the system works and every day she doesn’t remember. The monitoring device will still hear her if she speaks into her wristband so we’re going to leave it at that.

Many times when I go into my mother’s apartment I see her holding her hand up and talking into her wrist. She’s not asking for help when she talks; she’s narrating her actions and giving weather reports.

For a woman who never embraced modern technology, she has mastered the Dick Tracy two-way wrist radio.

 

To read more from the Two Loons, check out our book Cookies for Dinner.

Cookies for Dinner